Hokusai says

Prof. Haanen says they might have a spot in surgery for me next week! I am now sitting in a not so easy place as I can feel the tumors growing and some are a little bit painful or enough so that I know they are active. I stopped taking Zelboraf 2 days ago and worry that the progression will go faster this time. Lots of administrative stuff that is negative going on among others the official refusal of my health insurance with one sentence

"the treatment you request is new (no? really????) and does not give us sufficient guaranties (oh right because in cancer treatments and especially melanoma we have 100% success rate with treatments) that there will be an enhancement on your health"

I wonder if the Drs that work for health insurances have a booklet of phrases they can drop on refusal letters or automatic letters just ready to click and refuse.

Anger, much anger and that.

I guess I recognize fear of what is ahead but also terror of what is happening right now, the tumor growths,  but I also recognize so many other things too...air on my skin, light, smile of a friend, the voice of a colleague, the noise of the birds and the cars outside, living...because this is IT.

So I want to share the poem that Claude Maskens sent me as a gift just in time! I am learning to let life take me by the hand, life to live through me....

one look at the grass on campus last summer....

Hokasai says

Hokusai says look carefully.
He says pay attention, notice.
He says keep looking, stay curious.
He says there is no end to seeing

He says look forward to getting old.
He says keep changing,
you just get more who you really are.
He says get stuck, accept it, repeat
yourself as long as it is interesting.

He says keep doing what you love.

He says keep praying.

He says every one of us is a child,
every one of us is ancient
every one of us has a body.
He says every one of us is frightened.
He says every one of us has to find
a way to live with fear.

He says everything is alive --
shells, buildings, people, fish,
mountains, trees, wood is alive.
Water is alive.

Everything has its own life.

Everything lives inside us.

He says live with the world inside you.

He says it doesn't matter ifyou draw,
or write books. It doesn't matter
ifyou saw wood, or catch fish.
It doesn't matter if you sit at home
and stare at the ants on your veranda
or the shadows of the trees
and grasses in your garden.
It matters that you care.

It matters that you feel.

It matters that you notice.

It matters that life lives through you.

Contentment is life living through you.
Joy is life living through you.
Satisfaction and strength
is life living through you.

He says don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.

Love, feel, let life take you by the hand.

Let life live through you.
- Roger Keyes