The TIL speed

Coming out of TIL feels like a slowmotion "matrix" moment in life where everything is both slow and fast and it is about understanding both at the same time.

TIL physical recovery makes me realize that we normally live at such fast speed with multiple daily routines that we must perform to feel that we have "lived" (and it seems many of the routines are unnecessary). So here I am in stand still TIL freeze mode. And then there is....

Alex speed - he is taking such a heavy load with home and work and me and taking care of "us" - so I basically see him blaze through the many things to keep it all together and I just sit there exhausted from a short journey out to see the ORL or the eye specialist...

My parents introduce another "speed" to compare with -  they are now retired but they are still incredible active compared to how I am feeling at TIL speed! I see their energy from early morning to quite late and I envy them thinking - "it will come back"!...

The kids' speed - I connect with them the most as though they are physically the most active they also have moments where all that matters is exactly what is going on right now - the freeze mode (I notice this when we draw or engage with kapla block building or when they are eating something they like - as long as they are not in front of some computer screen)

So in case you wonder how I am doing: most days and most of my hours I am in some sort of "TIL freeze mode"  - And from there a day is actually really long with unlimited possibilities. Lots of moments, hours, minutes, seconds...everyone else seems to be rushing around me as I contemplate that minute.

At TIL freeze mode I read my emails with much more attention, I really see things and notice smells and sounds. Food seems to stay longer in the plate and I connect with it differently.

YET the annoying thing is that I am having such a hard time accepting this new enhanced capacity to be there (mindfully most times) because I have such a strong conditioning that normal is to act like a running workaholic rat. And this is tiring me too - these thoughts about getting back to normal create frustration, irritation and drain me. So hard to let go...

All in all I am doing better each day, each hour....I can walk longer distances, and going to and from the Drs appointments is becoming easier (even took the tram a few times during non rush hours with my parents who made me wear a mask). This week I had the ear drums placed in my ears and we started cortisone drops (hate this) and the test on thursday showed already it has improved from the hearing a 70 year old to that of a 60 year old. At least we are moving in the right direction.

I have been working what I can do from home (at this part of the year it is mostly supervising students masters thesis and catching up with reading) but I have a huge itch to go back to my office so I hope that is something that I will feel like doing in the next couple of weeks.

Next week I have the first post TIL CT scan tuesday (I will get results immediately and discuss with my oncologist) followed by ORL appointments wednesday and thursday and then a visit to Prof Haanen for follow up discussion of CT scan and blood work on friday.

Most importantly friday Hadrien will turn 12 and I am here to celebrate it with him. And I think that is the right speed for all of us.